A mess!

I don't know what to do or what to say anymore. I am that stage where I just wanna give up on my life. I honestly wish I was dead. So that I wouldn't have to cope up with what I am now...

My boyfriend thinks Im a burden on him. No he never said it directly. But he doesn't have to. When he says things like "I have other things to do besides hang out with you all day" or "It's been 12 hours since I was with you" etc etc is enough for me to know. I wish he would just agree to send me back home. Because nothing is good for me here.

My cousin who found I am no longer working told my mother about it and she finally asked me. I said no though. But I don't think it's gonna be long for her to find out.

And there is my creepy room mate. Oh My God you wouldn't believe me even if i told you how annoyingly frustrating she is. She started going to college now and all she does is come home, plug in her headsets to her ears, scroll her phone, or play with the laptop. She doesn't even watch a movie with me. If I do ask her to, she says later or something. Best of all, she now sleeps on a mattress on the floor or on the sofa. She says its easier for her. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't appreciate what Im doing for her. I have a meal prepared for her everyday when she gets home so she wouldn't have to cook herself. Yesterday I decided not to cook, being Friday and all. So all she ate the whole day was a fucking bread slice. The whole room is a mess. Her books, her bags, her pens, clothes whatever, everything is lying here and there. She doesn't even bother to clean it up.

I really want to go home. I want to mom that I quit my job and decided to stay with them. My boyfriend always stops me saying something all Ive accomplished in the past months. Yeah I have rented a place with a roommate. Yeah I 'had' a job. Yeah Im spending the whole day with my boyfriend! But that's just the thing. If I don't hang out with him then I don't hang out with anybody else. I don't have any friends. Well except one but she is married and I can't ask her to spend every day with me. Just because I don't have a life, i don't want to ruin others. So I just stay home, doing nothing, get depressed and just wish that I could be anywhere but here... I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have applied for jobs in several places too. But nobody wants to give me a job.

Look at me! I'm everything I never wanted to be. Im almost 23 and I have no job, Im completely broke. I have no degree whatsoever. I am still not married, no need to even talk about kids. To be honest, I haven't accomplished anything. And I also did something I promised I would never do my entire life. I smoked. Twice, thrice, doesn't matter. I did it. What next? Drinking? Getting tattoos? Sigh...