Bullshit

Growing up, I always felt the need to impress everybody around me. Looks are very important in my family. My mother is beautiful-she's now in her 40s, my dad is very handsome and so are my brothers. Around town, we were the hottest family around. Everybody talked about us. We were the 'they have everything' family. I had gotten used to it. I knew I always had to look my best. My family lot is well. Bullies. It was either my skin. It was either that I was too fat to fit in with the family. My hair was too thin. I wasn't smart enough. Something. There was always something. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't seem to blend in. I felt the need to belong and I didn't feel as if I was needed. Many times I felt the need to run away. I felt that everybody would be much happier without me. I drank shampoo I ate pills I made myself starve I pinched myself until blood poured out. But there was something that stopped me from going extreme. Even while I was drinking the shampoo I knew I had to be careful. I didn't wanna die. I knew I wasn't ready to die. I just wanted somebody's attention. Several years later. I'm pretty glad I didn't hurt myself. I mean. The pills I took were harmless, nothing happened to me. The scars I put on my arms and legs were gone. I knew I was giving another chance. Many of these chances. I wanted to put them to use. I still do. I haven't really taken advantage of It yet but I will. 

At this point of my life I'm pretty helpless. With the ongoing battle of my acne against my body is stronger than my will to get out of bed and do something for myself. But I am applying to get a degree. Though I really don't want to. My mother and my mother in law keep asking me when it was going to study and I guess I felt as if I was letting everyone down by not working nor studying. So I just wanna show them that I can do this. I hate being pressured. I hate having to impress everybody. For once I wanna live my life without being told what to do and what is right. In my life I made many many mistakes. But I always promised myself never to make the same mistake twice. And I didn't. I wanna learn the lessons myself. Along the way. I don't wanna listen to other peoples life stories and learn to live my life their way because they think its right. You heard me mom. And husband. My mistakes are my life lessons. Which I never repeat. I'm only 23. Don't expect me to be a 40 year old with a masterplan of my future. I'm slowly getting there. I'm a slow learner. I'm not as smart as you and I will never be. My brain cant process too much information at once. Sometimes I do go blank and cant think at all. I try though. I try to be smart like you. I feel sad that the people around me are my bullies. It's not my fault our RAMs are not of the same level. It's not my fault I think like a teenager. I don't think I have a mature mind. I came to accept it myself. Very recently. I figured out since everybody was always calling me dumb and not smart enough there must be something wrong with me. I honestly cant catch up with everything if somebody talked too fast. I need it slow. And if you need to laugh at me about that then laugh. But I wish everybody would think for even an instance when any of you came to me with a problem and I shrugged it off or laughed at you for being stupid. Whatever. 

I just wish that for once in my life, my dad would say that I'm beautiful.